Letters from the heart 2

Dear ____,

[Yes you are right,] words of affirmation are a strong second runner up [for the love languages]. It’s time and words. These things matter to me in life.   I write with so much heart because that is where it is coming from. I have been wounded exactly there, and this is what is coming out. 

I really don’t think you understand how I feel. I cannot fall asleep and if I do, I wake up a couple hours later. 

What you did to me— cutting off everything…the culmination of hanging out almost everyday for the past 3 months- cutting all that off in 20 minutes with no explanation—it’s just really disrespectful.  

It is like this: 

It is like me going to Rochester for an interview. 

Before the interview, what do I do? 

I spend hours practicing how to answer interview questions on my own and then with friends. I reach out to other people and ask them what their experiences are in during a nursing interview. I buy books on how to get better at interviewing. I will go out to buy a fake leather portfolio to put copies of my résumé in. I will practice a second round of interviews with my friends before I leave. I spend $200 on a plane ticket. I spend a morning trying to register for an Air B&B account, made a video of myself, and send that in to get approved. I research where to stay in Rochester based on how far it is from the Hospital.

On the day of my flight, I will pack a bag, take the 2 down to the E and then airtrain to arrive at JFK an hour before my flight, go on instagram while I wait, run through more interview questions in my head, board the plane and take off. 

I will arrive in Rochester. Hopefully it’s not raining, and I can hail a cab to the Air B&B spot.

I will spend the night probably a little nervous.

All this preparation, all this time, effort, money, and expectation goes into a less than 2 hour interview with a hospital in Rochester.

So the next morning, I wake up, put on my make up, do my hair, put on my suit jacket, walk to the hospital with my fake leather folder in arm. I meet the nurse recruiter, she shakes my hand and leads me to a chair across from her desk. She smiles at me about to start the interview, and says, “Hi Veronica. It’s really nice to meet you. Thank you for coming today. You are a great applicant, a really great applicant, unfortunately we filled all the positions two weeks ago. You deserve a better hospital to work at anyways. But I will always remember you when I think of fake leather rèsumè folders!” and she hands me a thank you card for coming to meet her.

Can you understand that this is how I feel?? 

Letters from the heart 1

Dear _____,

Why did you move to NY in the first place?

And what do you really want?

Everything takes time. New shoes take time to break in, good meat takes time to marinate, good coffee takes time to brew, foxes take time to be tamed,  a chiseled body takes time to work out. Yes you can go back to California and find instant happiness in familiar people, a known culture, and a steady climate.

What will you get out of life if you do that? How will you ever know to love anything else? How will you ever know how gorgeous autumn is when the leave change colors here? Or what Central Park looks like with a blanket of snow that covers everything—even the dog poo. Or how amazing 40 degrees feels like after experiencing 8. Who would ever know how to appreciate 40 degree weather?!- says the girl who loves 90 degree heat. 

You have a huge heart. And it has been stretched to its limits with everything demanding your time and energy.

And I think you definitely need to take this break in a couple weeks.

I also think you need to adapt better skills to problem solve, to reach out, and to say “no” to some things. Whether you are conscious of it or not, when you say “yes” to one thing (like work), you are saying “no” to other things (like sleep, health, which then affect us….my health bc we kiss)

Saying yes to the same thing all the time builds up a whole wall of “no”s that have been neglected and come exploding through at once due to the built up pressure. And who does that effect??  You, your mental health, your physical health, and me as collateral damage.

You don’t consider the consequences of all your actions, especially in this situation when you didn’t consider my thoughts/feelings or even asked what I wanted at all.

Yes things in life are hard. My mom moved to California when she was 8 and didn’t speak a lick of English. She was bullied, had no friends, and had parents who never said they loved her. Could she drop everything and leave? No. She stayed in America, put her kids into a private school with mostly white kids, and suffered more racism as one of the only Asian moms who helped out in the classroom. But she met kind people, discovered her love for nature as she walked 80% of the hiking trails that loop through Tilden Park, met my dad, went to college, got politically active, got her kids into photography and taught them to appreciate the beauty all around them, took Chinese opera lessons, took Spanish lessons, became fluent in English, fought breast cancer for 9 years, the list goes on.  Life is hard but how will you face it?

You’ve lived in so many places and have so many choices! More places than some people could ever dream of living! And all big cities! But you’ve hated them! You hate LA, you hate San Diego, you hate New York! Maybe it’s time you applied your foodie attitude to location. Accept the place for what it is. Nothing can, and ever will, compared to The Bay. I know this for a fact. (Personal anecdotes as scientific proof!) I’ve been around the world and have found nothing like it! We are so lucky to come from such a culturally, economically, and aesthetically, diverse and vibrant region full of nature, city, and animals (Turkeys and deer roam around in Berkeley!) In LA, people have nothing to brag about concerning their city, so they brag about their cars. Nothing will ever compare to The Bay.

But every new place you go, there are really unique things about it. Just like how you learned to like Chipotle for Chipotle, you can like a place for what it is.

I also feel you haven’t spent enough time really getting to know NY. All you know is [ place of work], and the 3 trains you take to get to and from there- and the 38 bus route for the length of the few blocks that it runs between the J and the L. And maybe 20% of Central Park from the times we’ve hung out there. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love public transportation, and Central Park is great, but that is not all New York has to offer you.

Also not everyone here is out to cheat you. People are just more aggressive in asking for what they want. You also need to know what you want in order to gauge how much to give. (Literally or figuratively…literally AND figuratively …BOTH)

Yea maybe we aren’t supposed to be together. Maybe distance will break us. Maybe no one will read any of the résumés I’ve submitted. Maybe I will choke on a Korean Chestnut tomorrow. Maybe I’m not supposed to be putting effort into this relationship since you were so quick to give up. Maybe this is my free ticket out to avoid much more suffering later. Maybe I should focus on my career. Maybe we won’t find a solution while trouble shooting on Sunday. There are an infinite number of maybes.

No one can know the future. Why am I even doing this? I don’t know. Maybe you are destined to suffer a little longer with me in NY.

-Ronnie

We went to k town to meet up some Berkeley friends and get woorijeep and shaved ice. Our plan was to watch Pitch Perfect after but I fell asleep so just Nick watched. I woke up just in time to help make popsicles by pouring pineapple puree into a plastic cup and sticking it in the freezer. 
We did a 16 min ab work out and now it hurts to laugh. I usually do 20 sit ups in my bed before I go to sleep….not really anything in the face of P90X(TREME) 
Some brooklyn st art 

We went to k town to meet up some Berkeley friends and get woorijeep and shaved ice. Our plan was to watch Pitch Perfect after but I fell asleep so just Nick watched. I woke up just in time to help make popsicles by pouring pineapple puree into a plastic cup and sticking it in the freezer. 

We did a 16 min ab work out and now it hurts to laugh. I usually do 20 sit ups in my bed before I go to sleep….not really anything in the face of P90X(TREME) 

Some brooklyn st art 

‘Still I Rise’ by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.